It has been a long year and I’m not even at the year anniversary of my mom’s death. This winter hasn’t been helping either. It has seems longer, darker, colder and harder than I ever remembered. I guess I thought that by now I would have my life back in some way and grief would be in its place but wouldn’t take over anymore. After new years I had a big rush of energy and in that excitement I decided that I could take on the world again. Now just 6 weeks later I want to crawl in a hole.
That’s when I found myself in the self help section of my local book store. There is hope in that section and I was going to use it to pull me out of the hole. I want to be ok with who I am and where I am. I don’t want to die tomorrow in this pain and anxiety.
A lot of times I wonder if I would still feel that way I feel even if my mother didn’t die. That maybe this is who I am, always in existential crisis. When I was feeling good I decided to I would start selling Pampered Chef (mlm kitchen ware company) to help us get by month to month. Now I’m wondering what I am doing with my life because I feel that I need to do something that makes a difference. Not just a difference in our pocket book, though that would be nice but in the world. Plus I don’t want to spend my night away from my family and I may not be that good of a sales person.
My mother was a big support in my life and it is hard to feel that everything is moving forward. The book I found in the self help section is “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W. Its the guide to a whole hearted life – Let go who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. I’ll let you know if it helps this funk.
I also started a volunteer program at OHSU- Oregon Health and Science University. Its the research hospital here in Portland Oregon. I’m going to be a Scientific Research Advocate. I’ll be reviewing grants and working with researchers to apply for grants having to do with cancer. I’ll be supporting the patient view in all of this. We had a one day training so far.
All in all I know that I want to set an example for my kids. I don’t want them to see me fall apart. I want to be happy and for that to exude from all over me and onto them. I want to unwrap this coil I’ve created around me and be free.
Link to book on Amazon: The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are